Suffering is Optional

Lily Boyar, MHC

People often debate the purpose of therapy. Is it to vent and have a sounding board? Is it to learn how to be our best selves? Is it to explore our attachment to our original caregivers? Or to help us make an important life decision? The truth is, there are as many valid answers as there are people. There is no “one size fits all” approach to therapy and each client has different reasons for being there. However, I believe that no matter the client’s goal, therapy helps us understand how we suffer.

What do I mean by that? Buddhists believe that life brings pain and joy. We cannot have joy without pain, and vice versa. In fact, our psyches are designed this way. We have feel-good hormones that contribute to a sense of joy and happiness. And our unconscious mind is also shaped by the trauma and pain we’ve experienced in our life and it impacts our beliefs and how we respond in relationships. However, while pain is a guarantee, suffering is actually optional. 

Suffering involves all the ways that we emotionally react, respond and make meaning of our pain. For example, take someone who wasn’t invited to a gathering. They may experience the pain of being left out or excluded. This is completely valid! However we rarely stop there. We often make meaning to explain why this pain is occurring. And this is where it gets tricky. Maybe this client questions what is wrong with them, and whether they are likable or interesting. Maybe it makes them anxious, or even angry. This is the suffering. While the pain is our authentic and inevitable emotional reaction, the suffering is what we do with it. 

Simply put, therapy is a way to learn about our own individual suffering. What are the recurring issues we have in our life? What is getting in the way? How do we respond to pain? The ways in which we each suffer (i.e the negative habits, thoughts, judgments, beliefs that may exacerbate the pain) can be studied and explored in therapy. In fact, there are useful informants. This is the “work.” 

I do not mean to make it sound like the goal is not to feel our feelings or make meaning of situations that occur. In fact, sometimes making meaning can be soothing or contribute to resilience. But when we understand how we suffer, we can explore ourselves more deeply and become conscious of the behaviors and ways of thinking that hold us back. Through therapy, we become empowered to respond to our pain in healthier, more supportive ways.