Lily Boyar, MHC

As young children, we are constantly taking in the world around us and internalizing how to act, feel, and respond to situations. While there are biological factors to consider, our social learning primarily comes from behavior that is modeled for us (usually from adult caregivers), as well as life events that shape our perspective. As complex beings, we tend to form assumptions and views about the world and stick with them into adulthood. Psychologist, Dr. Tori Olds says, “It would simply be too cumbersome to always be walking around willing to learn how to be human again, fresh everyday, without assumptions about what’s about to happen and how to respond.” She explains that these parts of ourselves become “automated” and “unconscious,” allowing us to draw from schemas and information that help us navigate the world. Therefore, parts develop as a way of helping us survive or navigate our environment. 

A child who was always reinforced for having good grades, for example, may internalize that they need to continue meeting these marks to make their parents proud. Perhaps when they get good grades, their parents appear happy and give them extra attention. Over time, this association becomes wired in the brain; if I get good grades, I will be loved. This is a profound message to internalize and it can greatly shape our views, thus creating a part. 

The Good & Bad of Parts

Parts serve us in many ways. For example, in the case of the child with good grades, they learned how to be successful in school, which led them to greater opportunities in the future. This is a wonderful outcome. However, this isn’t without strings attached. Parts can become tricky when they no longer serve us anymore. As Dr. Olds says, “They are based on a reality we are no longer in.” The child who was concerned about getting good grades often turns into an adult who is never satisfied with their work and doesn’t feel valuable unless they are “successful.” These internalized messages can become rigid, without factoring in the nuanced thinking, experiences, capacities, and values of a developed adult. And these beliefs about ourselves can be limiting.

Parts Work in Action:

Parts Work is a style of therapy aimed at understanding the many internal “parts” of ourselves that developed from childhood, and how they impact us as adults. The work in therapy becomes learning to reclaim our authentic identity among the many young parts of ourselves that can often run the show. 

What do parts work look like? The client and therapist would begin to work on understanding a particular part at play, developing self-compassion, and exploring how it came to be. Eventually, the client would learn to challenge the younger part of themselves and its beliefs. Do I have to be successful to be loved? Do I want to be successful or do I feel I have to be in order to feel good about myself? What is success? These are just some of the many questions that might come up in this therapeutic work. Parts have a way of hijacking our thinking at the moment, given their automated and unconscious nature. Over time, the client and therapist would work together to build awareness around the part and recognize its many impacts, ultimately allowing the client choice in how to respond. In other words, when we learn to recognize our instinctual response to a situation, we can see it in action and choose whether to rely on our default or respond in another way. This adult could choose to redefine their idea of success, work on challenging their beliefs of themselves, or strive to develop other areas of their identity that aren’t related to tangible results. These are all ways we learn to “work” with our parts.