Lydia Bell, MHC

In a session, I sometimes reference the “precontemplation” stage of making a change*. In precontemplation, you might have a vague sense that something is “off” but you’re not conscious of wanting to make a change. For example, maybe you are always telling friends about how burned out you feel at work. When your best friend asks if you’ve thought about looking for a new job, you brush it off. After a year, you realize you are unhappy at your job and you’re ready to look for something new. It’s easy to feel frustrated with yourself and engage in negative self-talk: Why did I waste this past year? How did I not see this sooner?

The thing is, change takes time! It’s a process. Thinking about change as a gradual transition, in which there are conscious and unconscious steps, can help us be more understanding of ourselves. I see it as my job as a therapist to witness my clients’ change, not to force it. Our bodies and our minds have an intuitive sense of what they need to make a big shift. Much of the work in therapy can be about trusting ourselves to know what we need. 

So the next time you’re saying to yourself, “Why can’t I just make this change? What is wrong with me?”, I would encourage you to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. This can sound like: “Oof, I’m feeling frustrated about how much time it can take to make a change, or even be aware that I need one! That makes sense. But change isn’t something I can rush. I trust myself to know when I’m ready.” It might feel alien, or even silly, to talk to yourself like this. But it can be a powerful way to rewire those pesky internal voices that aren’t serving you. 

Are there any big changes you’ve made in your life where you needed some “precontemplation” time? This can be a powerful prompt for journaling. What helped you move from precontemplation to contemplation? What fears might have been coming up about the change? What did you need from yourself or from others to feel ready?

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*The precontemplation stage of change refers to the Stages of Change Model as conceived by researchers Prochaska and DiClemente in the 1970s. Their original research looked at smoking cessation but is often used more generally as a framework for thinking about client change in therapeutic settings.