Ilana Pilcz, MHC, MA 

Now that we’ve covered the origin story of attachment, let’s get personal. You might be wondering, “What exactly are these attachment styles? How did I end up with one?” and, most importantly, “Which one am I? What about my partner? Omg, what about my MOM?!” 

I like to think of attachment as a blueprint that evolves throughout your lifespan. This blueprint begins with your relationship with your primary caregiver(s), shaped by their ability to attune to your needs and provide a sense of safety and security. Bowlby described this as a need for a “wiser, older” figure—a biological drive rooted in survival (Bowlby, J., 1969). Remember, when you’re a tiny bebe, you rely on your caregiver for everything—food, shelter, safety, and comfort so this need is something deep and primal. 

It’s important to remember that your attachment style isn’t your “fault.” It’s a reaction to these early experiences. As you grow, this blueprint fills in. Friendships in childhood and adolescence add new layers, and later, romantic relationships tend to bring your attachment "stuff" to the forefront and impact your attachment development. 

This might all sound daunting but something very cool: attachment styles are fluid, not fixed (Kirkpatrick & Hazan, 1994). Starting with an anxious attachment style doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it for life. Your attachment style can shift through developmental changes, life 

circumstances (like divorce or a long-term relationship), and [drumroll please!...], therapy! (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Also, let’s not forget—attachment is universal. Everyone, literally EV.ER.Y.ONE. is born, so everyone has an attachment experience and style. 

Breaking Down the Four Attachment Styles 

As a reminder, the four attachment styles are: 

1. Secure 

2. Anxious (sometimes called Preoccupied) 

3. Avoidant (sometimes called Dismissive or Dismissing-Avoidant) 

4. Disorganized (sometimes called Fearful or Fearful-Avoidant) 

Conceptualizing Attachment Styles 

There are a couple of ways to conceptualize the four attachment styles so let’s get into it!:

1. Avoidance vs. Anxiety 

If we chart attachment styles on axes of avoidance and anxiety, the patterns emerge like this: 

• Secure: Low avoidance, low anxiety. Comfortable with both closeness and independence. 

• Anxious: Low avoidance, high anxiety. Craves closeness and fears rejection or abandonment. 

• Avoidant: High avoidance, low anxiety. Values independence and may struggle with emotional closeness. 

• Disorganized: High avoidance, high anxiety. Desires closeness but feels overwhelmed or unsafe when it happens. 

Are you with me? Let’s look at another way:

2. View of Self vs. View of Others 

Another way to frame attachment is by looking at how someone views themselves and others: 

• Secure: Positive view of self, positive view of others. 

• Anxious: Negative view of self, positive view of others. 

• Avoidant: Positive view of self, negative view of others. 

• Disorganized: Negative view of self, negative view of others.

Attachment Styles in Action 

1. Secure 

• Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with a healthy balance of intimacy and autonomy. They can build trusting and lasting relationships and manage their emotions effectively. 

• Cause: Often results from consistent and responsive caregiving during childhood.

• Key Traits: Emotional regulation, trust, positive view of self and others, balance. 

2. Anxious 

• Characteristics: Individuals with anxious attachment often crave closeness and fear rejection or abandonment. They may become overly dependent on others for reassurance.

• Cause: Inconsistent caregiving, where emotional needs were met unpredictably.

• Key Traits: Emotional highs and lows, other-focus, people-pleasing, fear of being alone, excessive need for approval. 

3. Avoidant 

• Characteristics: These individuals tend to value independence and may avoid emotional closeness. They often suppress feelings and struggle with vulnerability. 

• Cause: Caregiving that discouraged emotional expression or was dismissive of needs.

• Key Traits: Emotional detachment, discomfort with closeness, looking for the next best partner, high self-reliance. 

4. Disorganized 

• Characteristics: This style combines features of anxious and avoidant attachment. Individuals may desire closeness but fear it, often showing inconsistent behavior.

• Cause: Often associated with trauma or neglect, leading to confusion about safety in relationships. 

• Key Traits: Emotional dysregulation, fear of intimacy, distrust of others.

Which Style Resonates with You? 
Which of these feels most familiar, based on your experience? Still feeling a little murky? Give this self-assessment quiz a go! (FYI, Diane Poole-Heller is a BADASS in the field of attachment)

A PSA About Attachments 
Here’s a quick reminder: attachment styles aren’t rigid boxes but spectrums. You might feel secure in family relationships but anxious in romantic ones. Or you could lean avoidant most of the time but experience anxious moments. The key is identifying where you fall primarily on the spectrum of these styles. 

In Summary 

Today, we explored: 

• How attachment styles develop across your lifespan (the attachment "blueprint"). ● The fluid nature of attachment. 

• The four attachment styles and how they show up. 

• Two frameworks for understanding them: anxiety vs. avoidance and view of self vs. others. 

• Why attachment is a spectrum, not a box. 

Have any burning attachment questions? Drop them in the comments—I’d love to keep this conversation going!

References 

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. Basic Books. Kirkpatrick, L. A. & Hazan, C. (1994). Attachment styles and close relationships: A four-year prospective study. Personal Relationships, 1(2), 123–142. 

https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00058.x 

Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Powell, C. (2022). An Adult Attachment Model [Infographic]. https://msha.ke/bepsychminded