Lydia Bell, MHC

Have you ever had a friend or a partner lose someone close to them–maybe a parent or a sibling-–and not known how best to support them? You’re not alone. Being there for a friend or a partner through grief is confusing. You might not be sure what to say or what to do. Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind:

Grief is a long process. Checking in on a friend the first week after the loss is wonderful, but don’t forget to check in a month later or several months later. Often there is a wave of connection and support after a loss but after a few weeks, all but the inner circle of mourners have gone back to their normal routines. Your friend or partner will likely appreciate you acknowledging that their grief is ongoing. 

Don’t take their distance personally. With close friends or partners in particular, we can have a tendency to misinterpret their distance when they are going through a loss and take it personally. Just because your partner isn’t very responsive to you doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate your presence and support. They just might not be able to show it right now. And if they ask for more space, see if you can reframe it from “they don’t want me around,” to “they know what they need right now and it’s space to process alone.” 

Offer specific support. The best gift you can offer a grieving person is a specific offer of support. “I’d love to drop off dinner for you next week. What night is best for you?” And while food is great, don’t forget about the gift of time. If your friend is a parent, you might offer to take the kid(s) to the playground for an hour or two. Keep in mind, too, that there are different kinds of support. If you don’t have the financial resources to send a gift, providing emotional support or sharing memories can be wonderful ways to show up for someone. 

Take care of yourself. Death brings up a lot! Even if you weren’t close to the person your friend or partner lost, it’s important to acknowledge that the death might have meaning to you, too. It might bring up a loss you’ve experienced, or remind you of your own mortality. Take the time you need to journal or process those feelings. 

Death and grief are often not talked about openly and with complexity in our busy lives. While it can sometimes feel easier to sweep right past it, taking the time to connect with grieving loved ones is often a meaningful and impactful gesture–for them and for you.