Eileen Chiu, LMHC

Loving yourself and loving others as two separate entities are challenging enough on their own. Balancing between and trying to love ourselves while loving others can be a tremendously bumpy ride through some of the most powerful and overwhelming emotions.

What may be grand gestures of affection (that have also been romanticized by social media) that feels alluring and flattering, may actually be signs of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse, and with someone who may have insecure anxious attachment, childhood trauma or narcissistic personality disorder. So what is love bombing? What are the signs of a love bombing cycle of abuse vs genuine love? And how do we protect ourselves?

Love bombing is defined as “bombing” the other person with intense and excessive displays of emotion, affection, attention and admiration. It can happen at any stage of the relationship, though most common during the honeymoon phase.

Common signs and examples include but are not limited to

1. Asking for and sharing too much too fast (aka emotional dumping masked as emotional vulnerability);

2. The constant need for validation and reassurance;

3. Intense clinginess;

4. Over-the-top verbal and physical declarations of love via extravagant gift giving, future planning, and/or statements such as “you’re the center of my universe, I will do anything for you, I can’t live without you”;

5. Idealize and value you one second and devalue and discard you the next (including saying all the right things one moment then lashing out the next);

6. Crossing boundaries; and

7. Constant blame on others and lack of responsibility.

Love bombing makes it difficult to maintain consistent and over-the-top verbal declarations and promises may not be followed through with action. It can feel like “all or nothing” with this person. Something about the person or relationship can feel off, even if you truly care about the person. Genuine love takes time to build, remains consistent, respects boundaries, and holds realistic expectations of what is instead of idealized versions of what could be (and trying to fix things). 

There are ways to protect against being love bombed (and establish some safety if already experiencing it).

1. Create an observation list of yellow, red, and green flags for each interaction;

2. Understand your own vulnerability (trauma, impulse control issues, attachment style, people-pleasing tendencies, codependency, etc.);

3. Constantly reflect upon and communicate to each other intentions, values, needs, wants, and boundaries clearly and firmly;

4. Allow for patience, time, and space for the gradual growth of a relationship;

5. Build and engage in relationship reality checkpoints;

6. Be curious, ask questions constantly;

7. Seek different kinds of support from loved ones and even an objective outsider