Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

It’s natural to notice that you’ve experienced changes within yourself after loss. You may become aware of new fears or worries, as well as emotions you haven’t experienced before or to the same degree of intensity. It’s understandable for the difficult changes to become your focus, as they require more care. If you pay close attention, though, you may also find that you’ve come through the loss with newfound strengths, beliefs, and values. 

Similar to post-traumatic growth, a concept originally founded by Richard Tedeschi, PhD and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, those who go through grief (whether you consider your grief to be traumatic or not) may also grow as a result, even if unintentionally. 

One common point of growth after loss is developing a deeper and more rich appreciation for life itself. By witnessing how delicate life is, you may eventually feel invigorated by the idea of making the most of yours. You may find yourself leaning into joy, not only in spite of the grief but actually because of it. 

Another growth touchstone may be an increased capacity to connect with others. Perhaps you have moved closer to love and kinship, despite the fear of further loss, by leaning into existing relationships or growing new ones. This may include engaging in the sacred tradition of experiencing loss and then one day being the face through the fog or the outstretched hand that helps another. Take a moment to appreciate your bravery in moving towards others despite the knowledge that love creates the risk of loss. 

In addition to learning how to support others, you may also grow your ability to support yourself. In particular, you may begin to discern solitude from loneliness and determine when you need social support and when you require time to yourself. Some moments of healing in grief feel most fulfilling when journeyed alone or in a community. For some, the growth here is in learning how to navigate parts of life independently, and for others, the growth is in allowing oneself to practice vulnerability and lean on others. 

In coping with the existence of grief waves, which come crashing in around significant dates or without any notice at all, you can also learn the art of surrender. Over time and with experience, you may find that fighting against the tidal wave of grief increases your suffering, prolonging the pain as it goes untended. Eventually, many people begin the practice of ducking down and letting the wave wash overhead, feeling the pain and then releasing it. Ultimately, after loss, you may become more attuned to your own emotions and know how to give them space to be. 

Loss and grief also provide an opportunity to strengthen our bond with a loved one who has died, even from a distance. Many people experience an increased or strengthened sense of spiritual well-being, as they find themselves post-loss.

If we allow it to, grief can also open us up to untapped parts of ourselves. We don’t necessarily always change so much as some parts of ourselves come forward to be expressed more powerfully. 

You may wonder how to grapple with these changes as they shift the way you show up in the world and in your relationships. It may feel as though you have to introduce a new version of yourself to others, one you are still learning about. Greet this new version of yourself - become curious about them, what they possess, and what they need. You might also feel guilt about identifying any positives. It may be helpful to hold the balance of acknowledging that growth does not compensate for the loss and it is still so worth being honored. 

Your personal points of growth may not be described here. Take time and care to notice and appreciate your unique resilience, in whatever form it comes.