Advanced Clinical Fellow Julia Papale

Understanding our values is an important navigational point forward for those of us seeking to live in alignment with the highest, most authentic version of ourselves. I like to think of our core values as the roadmaps to our lives.

It’s easy to move through life without direction – moving ahead in ways we think we should, in accordance with messages we heard growing up, or societal expectations or standards. With these outside pressures, it becomes difficult to quiet the noise to access what it is that we truly want for ourselves. When we don’t have a clear channel to access what it is we really want, we find ourselves going through the motions, perhaps reaching for things outside of ourselves to keep us afloat, to make us feel better, or upon which to hinge our worth – relationships, career, material goods. The more we reach outside of ourselves, the more we depend on others to show us where to go, choosing our direction based not on our own values but on those of others. In this process, we don’t build that muscle of self-trust or self-understanding that is intricately tied to self-esteem. Focusing on the external world prevents us from getting to know ourselves on a deeper, internal level.

When we build a life rooted in our values, however, and live in accordance with them, we have a solid foundation upon which to stand. When we know what we care about we can determine how we want to spend our time, identify our goals and dreams, cultivate our tribe, and find a purpose-driven career. Life becomes full of meaning because we are choosing to live it based on what is important to us, not on what is important to other people. We have ground no matter what is happening around us and can remain secure in the life we are choosing for ourselves, and in doing so, not be so easily shaken by the capricious nature of life’s circumstances.

Getting to know oneself is a journey, and deep inquiry into the self is not always an easy task. I may be biased, but I believe therapy is a beautiful way to explore these topics, asking questions like how does who we want to be compare to who we are? Where can we radically accept ourselves as is and where can we act on the courage to change? How did I enjoy spending time as a kid? When do I feel most alive? What types of interactions make me feel discouraged or disheartened? When do I feel most in flow? What does a perfect day look like to me?

These are just a few questions that can help guide us in the process of developing a rich life anchored in values and purpose. To live in response to our values means living in alignment, which encourages authenticity. When we live authentically, we build our self-esteem.

Interested in a quick exercise that may help to highlight some of your core values? Look at a values list here. Write down all the values that speak to you or resonate in some way. Take a few moments, or however long you need, away from the list. Come back to it and list out the values that go together in about four or five separate groupings. Then pick one value in each bucket – a label – that encompasses all the values in that group. You should end up with about four or five core values. Let these be your guides, review them frequently, and continue to amend them as needed.