Advanced Clinical Fellow Ilana Friedman

Take a moment and think about the way you would speak to a dear friend or a young child. What is the nature of that communication? I would bet that it’s gentle, loving, and tender. Now take a moment and think about the way you speak to yourself. What is the nature of that communication? Is it compassionate and kind or harsh and punishing, full of unreachable expectations? Often there is a stark difference between the way we talk to ourselves and the way we speak to others. How would things shift in your life if you gave yourself the same grace and kindness you offer others?

Self-compassion is a concept pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff in the last 20 years. As she states,

Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives. Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing. It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy. (Neff, n.d.)

Self-compassion allows us to maintain a growth mindset, seeing missteps along our life path as opportunities for improvement and practice instead of failures. Imagine the freedom that could come with approaching life and Self in this way!

Self-compassion includes three elements: self-kindness vs self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. over-identification (Neff, n.d.). As referred to above, self-kindness vs. self-judgment relates to the way we speak to ourselves and how much grace and compassion we offer to the Self. Common humanity vs. isolation is the understanding that “... suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone” (Neff, n.d.). Mindfulness vs. over-identification entails developing a balanced, non-judgemental approach to negative emotions. “It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness” (Neff, n.d.) We must allow the feelings without being overwhelmed by them.

I would like to share with you one of my favorite self-compassion practices from Kristin Neff called the Self-Compassion Break. This is a simple, mindful practice that can be used in any painful or distressing moment, and it encompasses the three central elements of self-compassion detailed above.

Self-Compassion Break
By Kristin Neff

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering.

   That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

   1. This hurts.

   2. Ouch.

   3. This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life.

   That’s common humanity. Other options include:

   1. Other people feel this way.

   2. I’m not alone.

   3. We all struggle in our lives.

   Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your

   hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

   Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself?

   You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is

   there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

   1. May I give myself the compassion that I need

   2. May I learn to accept myself as I am

   3. May I forgive myself

   4. May I be strong.

   5. May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most. (Neff, n.d.)

References

Neff, K. (n.d.). Exercise 2: Self-compassion break. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/

Neff, K. (n.d.). Home. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org

Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion?. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/