Adrian Acevedo, MHC

When Self-Compassion is Scarce

As a therapist, I have the privilege of walking alongside my clients as they strive to see themselves more clearly, heal painful wounds, and work toward change. I believe in the power of a warm, safe, and compassionately challenging therapeutic relationship, and have seen how this can help clients grow in vulnerability, courage, and hope. There are still many moments in my work with clients where their optimism and openness become overshadowed by frustration, anger, sadness, and shame. This may come at the start of the relationship, arise after months, or emerge weekly in session. Countless times, I have heard…

• …I STILL haven’t changed/managed _______. 

• …I’m not getting anywhere. I feel like I’ll never get anywhere.

• …I’m back in the same place AGAIN. 

• …I can’t believe ______ still hurts so much.

• …It’s just that _______ is too hard. I guess I can’t do it.

And following/underlying these statements…

• I SHOULD be able to do/handle/fix this already.

• What’s wrong with me?

• I’m a failure.

• I’m weak.

• I’m not good enough.

• I must not care.

• I must not be trying.

When sitting with my clients in these moments of discomfort and despair, I am reminded of the absence of self-compassion in many of our lives. I see clients striving for perfection, and then punishing themselves when they don’t meet that impossible standard. I see impatience with the timing and magnitude of change, followed by feelings of failure and harsh self-talk. I see an inability or unwillingness to tolerate the nuanced realities of human life, the natural fluctuations of our physical, mental, and emotional abilities and states of being. I see the crushing weight of comparison, bolstering a long list of “should” statements about healing and growth. This resistance and lack of acceptance are familiar to me, present in my own mind throughout many seasons of my own life.

Swimming Against the Current

The instinct to try to shame and punish ourselves into self-improvement is often reinforced by culture, our families of origin, and other relationships and experiences. Many of us have been taught that we must work and strive and struggle to be “good enough”—that we must earn the right to accept ourselves as we are. We have learned to over-identify with our successes and our failures, viewing each one as an indicator of our worthiness. Our sense of identity is left in constant fluctuation as we push and push towards an idealized future self, without acceptance of who we are today.

I have been there too, many times, and have experienced firsthand how the absence of self-compassion strengthens my feelings of failure, self-doubt, and disempowerment. I believed the myth that I needed to be hard on myself, or else I would never make progress or be good enough. It took me a while to buy into the benefits and efficacy of self-compassion, and even longer to begin to practice it. Acknowledging that a strategy we have relied on over and over again isn’t really working can feel like accepting another failure. It is a difficult choice to unlearn the beliefs that we know are not serving us, especially as we live and work alongside people who embrace and promote them. We may feel alone in rejecting the myth—but swimming against this cultural current is both healing and freeing.

Self-Compassion for Greater Openness

So, you have chosen to lay down your harsh self-criticism and try to practice self-compassion instead. What changes can you look forward to as you embrace this new way of relating to yourself?

By removing the weight of constant self-judgment, we can also stop the destructive pattern of over-identifying with our failures. In doing so, we regard these experiences as part of our lives, without having them define who, how worthy, or how good we are. We can begin to view our shortcomings and mistakes as opportunities for learning and reflection, instead of sources of shame that beget feelings of stuckness. Over time, we might find ourselves less defensive about our choices, and able to move through moments of failure without shutting down. We become more patient and gracious with ourselves. 

Practicing self-compassion opens us up to see ourselves more clearly, and with more nuance. We can live mindfully and be more present with and accepting of ourselves, just as we are. We are less burdened by perfectionism because our self-worth does not depend on becoming perfect. In the therapeutic space, we can feel more comfortable acknowledging our limitations and difficult emotions and accepting them as part of our process rather than falling into denial or shame or seeking to eliminate them. Giving ourselves permission to progress slowly and even move backward can feel counter-intuitive, but self-compassion reminds us that our value and worth are not defined by reaching certain benchmarks of progress. What would it mean to experience this freedom within and outside of the therapeutic space?