Julia Paple, Advanced Clinical Fellow

Has anyone ever said to you “just bring in a little self-compassion!” but you had no idea what that looked like? Same, read on.

Many of us operate on old narratives – beliefs about ourselves that we develop over time that feel like truths because they have been with us for so long. In reality, though, they are just early messages that our child minds once internalized – whether it be from our parents, society, friends, teachers, you name it. Many of us don’t even notice that we’re living in accordance with these old stories, these limiting self-beliefs that hold us back and fuel our inner critics. For some of us, the voice of the inner critic might be such a large part of our internal dialogue that it’s difficult to distinguish it from that of our true, authentic voice.

While it may not seem like it on the surface, our inner critics developed with our best interests at heart, to push us towards being a certain way so that we can attain basic human needs like love and acceptance. They help measure us against our own standards that we have subconsciously created in response to messaging we received growing up around things like appearance, relationships, and performance, and berate us when we don’t meet said standards. So, while it may be a hard reframe, we can see the ways in which our inner critics have tried to serve us, by attempting to protect us from rejection, from pain.

While we can understand where the inner critic comes from, the question is how to clean up that inner self-dialogue so we’re not just beating ourselves up into self-sabotaging cycles or depressed states. In my book, self-compassion is the opposite of shame. It’s the affirmation that we are perfect and loved and valued just as we are. Many of us don’t need any tips on how to caretake for others, but when it comes to ourselves the idea feels more challenging because we hold ourselves to these crazy high expectations.

Self-compassion is responding to our needs instead of abandoning ourselves. It’s giving ourselves a break, being gentle, and holding ourselves with the same tenderness we would a small child. It is also, however, holding ourselves to discipline because we know that a behavior is or isn’t serving us. For example, I recently heard Shahroo Izadi on The Diary of a CEOAPrQoYU8 Podcast speak about the shame-loop cycle that often consists of continuing to engage in a certain behavior when we know it isn’t great for us. She gave the example of a small child who received candy at the same time every day for a long period. If one day we said ‘no more candy’ because it wasn’t serving their health, they would understandably be very upset. We wouldn’t punish the child for feeling sad and disappointed that the candy streak was over. No, we’d console them and say something along the lines of “I know this is tough. I understand, but we’re not going to have the candy today.” The same goes for us – we can be firm and disciplined with ourselves around whatever it is because we know that it will ultimately serve us in the long run but can do so with kindness and compassion.

What, then, does self-compassion really look like in practice? How do we begin to cultivate it? Here are some tips:

1. Start becoming aware of that inner critic. What does it sound like, what is it saying, when is it coming out? Familiarize yourself with it and begin separating that voice from your own.

2. Shift the voice from one that might be harsh and punishing to one that is warmer and gentler. Instead of getting angry that the self-critical voice is there, soften it with something like “I see you’re here with me right now, but what you’re saying is actually really unhelpful.”

3. Speak to yourself as though you were speaking to someone you love very dearly. What would you say to them if they were struggling? Another way to think about this is if someone were to walk into the room and say something to comfort you that felt like a real relief – what would they say? Say that to yourself.

Shifting our inner dialogue from one that is riddled with self-judgment into one filled with self-compassion is no easy task, but the more that we choose self-compassion the more those old narratives will fade into the background. At first, this practice might seem silly or strange, but it’s a practice. As we clean up our inner dialogue, we offer ourselves the opportunity to strengthen our self-love, grow our self-esteem, and generally feel more at peace within ourselves.