Katarina Williams, Advanced Clinical Fellow

Like many people during the pandemic, you may have put your dating life on the back burner. Fast forward to March 2023 and you are back out in the city navigating the dating apps scene. If you are exhausted by online dating and are about to give up on meeting someone whom you deeply connect with– you are not alone. Many of my clients are frustrated with dating.

If you have gone on a date recently and spent the hours following a date stuck in your head about how it went, I hear you! I hear about this experience all the time from my clients. You begin racking your brain and wondering “Did they like me?” Not only do you begin to replay the date, but you start to dissect each text message and “future trip.” You question if this person wants to go out with you again. 

Whether you are in your 20s, 30s, or any life stage, the need to be “chosen” by another person is completely common, however, it's what could be keeping you stuck.

This notion of wanting to be liked varies from person to person. It can sometimes go like this…you go hinge date after hinge date, ending up in unfavorable dating situations. You have the awareness of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, but you continue to chase similar people because you get caught up in the pursuit of needing to be chosen. To you being chosen=worthy.

Let’s be real, dating in 2023 is easy, it is quite the opposite. I believe it requires effort, intentionality, and connecting with ourselves. I believe that shifting to a more aligned conscious mindset, which honors your own needs and values, can completely change how you approach dating. 

Getting Clear on your Needs and Values 

I once talked about this with my own therapist. Her advice? Instead of worrying about if this person likes you or wants to go out again, sit back and reflect– “Do I actually like this person and want to continue seeing them?” This forever changed my experience with dating and helped me to navigate the dating scene from a more emotionally regulated place. Instead of getting so caught up in what the other person thought of me, I was able to meet a partner that aligns beautifully with my values and needs.  

It may be time to get clear on your no-kidding list of needs in a partner as well as recentering your values in a relationship. This process of identifying your values and needs can help you remain grounded in your sense of self.

Self-Reflection is Key

I truly believe that the people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs. Therefore, engaging in self-reflection and tuning in with your intuition will be your biggest superpower. As you begin to listen to yourself, you will focus less on any intrusive or automatic thoughts that put your self-worth in question and focus on what you truly want in a partner.

1. How did this person make me feel on the date?

2. What qualities (non-superficial) does this person have that resonate with what I'm looking for in a partner?

3. Could I be my authentic self with this person, or did they make me feel like I needed to pretend to be someone else?

4. What are my core values? Did they align with the person? (Examples: Family, work, honesty, compassion, hobbies, spirituality, wellness) Do you have enough values in common?

5. Was this person respectful of what I had to say on the date? Did they listen to what I had to say?

6. What does my intuition tell me about this person? What feelings are coming up for me?

If you can remain open, curious, and reflective of your own experience on the date, this will begin to foster self-love. Self-love in dating can mean that you are as committed to yourself just as much as you are to a potential romantic partner. Simply asking these questions is itself an exercise in self-compassion — the cultivation of goodwill toward oneself. If you are struggling to explore these questions, therapy may be a great place to gain insight into your dating life and what you want in a future partner. Remember, relationships are a two-way street. Your feelings matter and are valid. At the end of the day, you can’t control the feelings or decisions of a person you date, and you can control the choices you make for yourself!

Therapy is Cool! 

While I acknowledge I am a bit biased in this area, I thought it was worth mentioning what actual daters are saying. According to Hinge's 2022 dating prediction data, 91% of users want to date someone who goes to therapy! Talk about entering the dating pool with a healthy mindset! One of my favorite therapists Sara Kubric, also known as the @millenialtherapist on instagram, once shared that “If you are doing the work you, you deserve to be someone who is also doing the work. It's simple.”