Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Leading death educator, grief counselor, and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, has offered a deeply soulful alternative to grief therapy. Stepping aside from the traditional medical model in which there is a treatment provider and a grieving person to be treated, Dr. Wolfelt proposes that grieving clients can be better helped by having their therapists walk alongside them.

Here are the tenets and ways in which they can be beneficial in the therapy room: 

Tenet One: Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.

Grieving people in North America often feel that in a dominant culture that rewards individualism, strength, and prioritization of one’s work ethic, the tenderness of grief has no room to belong. Whether intentionally or not, those around the grieving may attempt to ‘fix’ or remove their pain rather than bearing witness to it, which tends to ultimately be more healing.

Tenet Two: Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being’ it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

Tenet Three: Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about analyzing with the head.

Tenet Four: Companioning is about listening with the heart’ it is not about analyzing with the head.

For therapists, tenets two, three, and four might be quite challenging! We are being tasked with shifting away from investigating and analyzing, in favor of allowing ourselves to explore deeply with our clients. A relational modality in which the connection between therapist and client is emphasized may lend itself more easily to the practice of these tenets.

Tenet Five: Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.

Judging and attempting to alter the course of their experience is likely an attempt to self-soothe on our part. When we bear witness to the grieving, it is essential that we set aside what we imagine we would do with these struggles and meet them where they are.

Tenet Six: Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.

After experiencing loss, we are confronted with the fact that when it comes to life and death, our agency is limited. As a clinician, leading instead of walking alongside, can be thought of as further robbing our client of control in their lives.

Tenet Seven: Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it does not mean filling up every moment with words.

Leaning into sacred silence may be challenging for clients and therapists alike! Silence, or rather pauses of introspection, can be powerful and sadly missed out on if we feel pressure to fill the room. If we prioritize the therapeutic relationship, rapport building, and trust, we can more easily acknowledge and feel out the experience of silence in the room together. 

Tenet Eight: Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.

Grief work is long work. Although grief takes new shapes over time as we fill in all of the life around it, it never truly disappears. If we keep this in mind, we relieve ourselves of the perceived need for frantic motion. Still, this is not easy when we are pressured to ‘move on’ by those around us, which is why more people than just clinicians (including caregivers!) should have grief knowledge. 

Tenet Nine: Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion it is not about imposing order and logic.

This tenet hearkens back to tenets two, three, and four, in that we are not prioritizing the need for answers. When we set that goal aside, we allow deeper feelings and experiences to occur, which may actually reveal key answers to us in the long run.  

Tenet Ten: Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.

Tenet Eleven: Companioning is about compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise.

Tenets ten and eleven remind us to approach our work as therapists with humility, to let ourselves be teachable! Grieving people are the ultimate experts on their grief and their unique experiences cannot be found in a textbook. There is also a narrative component to grief processing that can be quite healing. When we let grievers tell their stories, we are giving them space to process and make meaning. When we are curious and compassionate, we encourage grievers to be curious about their own experiences and most importantly, to give themselves compassion.

Companioning in grief therapy is about strapping ourselves into the passenger seat and letting our clients drive the scenic route. And it is an honor. 

“If mourners see themselves as active participants in their healing, they will experience a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in life.” – Alan Wolfelt

Sources:

• Center for Loss & Life Transition. (n.d.). About Dr. Alan Wolfelt. 
  https://www.centerforloss.com/about-the-center-for-loss/about-dr-alan-wolfelt/

• Wolfelt, A.D. (2005). Companioning the bereaved: A soulful guide for counselors & caregivers. Companion press.