Valeria Aliendres, MHC

The Five Love Languages, developed and introduced by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., has become a familiar concept in both clinical and everyday conversations. In a few words, the concept of the five love languages states that we love in the ways that we want to receive love. And when we are aware of not only how we want to receive love, but also how the people we are in relationships with want to receive love, it ultimately leads to stronger connections and increased feelings of validation within said relationships. While we may have preferences for how to receive love, ultimately most people find fulfillment with a combination of all five languages. 

Most often we speak about the love languages in the context of our relationships with others, and even more specifically with our romantic partners. However, a relationship that often goes unmentioned when speaking of the five love languages is the relationship we have with ourselves. Much of the work I do with my clients revolves around cultivating acceptance, grace, patience, and a caring approach toward themselves. This is even the case for clients who come in identifying different goals - their paths often involve needing to be more loving toward themselves; more forgiving. While there is immense power and value within the relationships we have with others, some of the most impactful moments I have shared with clients have actually revolved around their relationship with themselves and learning to show themselves the love that they so easily show others.

Take a moment to reflect on how you treat yourself as if you were a person you were in a relationship with. Are you giving yourself the love and treatment you deserve? Below you will find some ideas on how to use each of the five love languages through the lens of self-love. I encourage you to be in touch with not only your main love language but a combination of all five if it feels right for you. If you are unsure of what your main love languages are, you can start by taking this quiz to learn more.

1. Words of Affirmation

• Practice affirmations: repeating positive statements about yourself (ex: I am capable of doing hard things) can help build confidence and fight off anxious or self-critical thoughts.

• Gratitude journaling: remind yourself of all of the things you are grateful for in your life. 

• Write a letter to yourself: writing your past self a letter congratulating you on something you have achieved can not only be a fun thought experiment but also a great way to shower yourself with recognition for your hard work. 

Gifts

• Treat yourself to a small but meaningful gift: perhaps it's buying your favorite flowers or a nostalgic candy bar that you loved as a child. The point of gifts is not the spending of money, but the thoughtfulness of said gift. Be thoughtful with yourself. 

• Gift yourself a comfort item: whether it is an item you already have or one you plan to purchase, gifting yourself a comfort item that you would find helpful when feeling down (ex: a photo of a loved one, a stress ball) as a way of anticipating your future needs is an act of self-love. 

• Buy yourself an experience: perhaps you have been wanting to attend a cooking class or have been dreaming of taking a solo-trip. This can not only serve as a gift but also as a way of spending quality time with yourself.

Quality Time

• Put your phone on “do not disturb”: if you anticipate having ongoing messages and calls during a time that you are wanting to rest, don’t be afraid to put your phone on the “do not disturb” setting. If you are worried about someone being able to reach out during this time, you can give them a heads up that you will be disconnecting for a bit. Uninterrupted time is not only good when in the company of others, but also when we are by ourselves.

• Take a long shower or bath: do you typically shower or bathe in a rush? Turn some relaxing music on and feel the water hit your body; trying to clear your mind of the things that might be occupying it throughout the day. Allow yourself the time to relax and not feel rushed.

• Plan out a “you” day: have and do all of your favorite things this day. Plan out your favorite meals, visit your favorite stores, and watch your favorite shows. The key to this day is going through it on your own and enjoying your own company.

Acts of Service

• Tidy up: before you head to bed, tidy up in the name of giving future-you a clean and comforting home to wake up to.

• Cook yourself a healthy meal: it may not be your favorite meal, but taking the time to cook something that is nutritious for your body is a great act of service and act of love.

• Schedule that medical appointment you’ve been putting off: acknowledging that your body has a medical need and that you are doing what is in your power to address it communicates love and care for yourself.

Physical Touch

• Give yourself a massage: while it might feel more relaxing to receive a massage, giving ourselves a massage is a great way to treat our bodies to some restorative physical touch. As you massage each body part, share gratitude for all that it does for you. Don’t forget some oil and your favorite candle! 

• Take a few extra minutes on your skincare routine: if you normally slap on some eye cream and call it a night, I encourage you to take a few extra minutes on your skincare routine next time. Touch your face with care and gentleness, doing repetitive and relaxing motions. If it feels safe to do so, I encourage you to close your eyes and fully focus on the feeling of your hands on your face.

• Get cozy: stay in tune with your sense of touch by adding cozy and comfortable items. Think fuzzy socks and weighted blankets. 

Regardless of how you prefer to receive love, know that you deserve it. You deserve to prioritize your well-being through self-love and self-care, even if it feels selfish at times (selfish isn’t always a bad thing). Remind yourself of your worth through uplifting thoughts and messages; your internal narrative is crucial for your growth. Treat yourself to the little things that bring a smile to your face. Know that you can be of a great company to yourself. Engage in acts that target your basic needs and will make your life a bit easier tomorrow. Last but not least, nurture your body and sense of touch. 

With love,
Val