Valeria Aliendres, MHC-LP

I have to admit - I’m not much of a ‘binge Netflix’ kind of person. Very few shows catch my attention enough to glue myself to my couch in that way. However, Bridgerton is one of those shows for me. In case you haven’t also watched the entire show in one day, it is based on the popular book series written by author Julia Quinn, and follows the Bridgerton siblings as they seek love and happiness in London’s high society. Based in England’s Regency Era, there are many outdated concepts about love, marriage, and gender roles portrayed within the show. However, during the most recent season we see a concept that many of us can relate to in present times - the pressures associated with being the eldest daughter. 

Throughout season two, we see the boldly independent Kate Sharma dealing with the responsibility and pressure of helping her younger sister, Edwina, find a suitable husband and ultimately, securing her family’s well-being. As I watched, I couldn’t help but reflect on the pressures that many eldest daughters experience. Although birth order is not a sure guarantee of how one’s personality or life trajectory will unfold, researchers have developed theories around how a child’s development may be impacted by their position within their family. 

Specifically, Alfred Adler’s birth order theory describes oldest siblings as perfectionists, authoritarian/”bossy”, people pleasers, reliable, independent, protective, caretakers, among other traits. 

Additionally, the familial pressures to be both a role model and a caretaker, coupled with societal pressures placed on women, can surely begin to impact your well-being if healthy boundaries and self-compassion are not in place. We see this being especially true in eldest daughters of immigrant families as they carry the (internal or external) pressure to succeed not just for themselves but also for their families. As an immigrant eldest daughter, we see how Ms. Sharma sacrifices her own needs, feelings, and desires to prioritize the well-being of her sister and mother. Although needing to suppress romantic feelings for a viscount is not a modern day issue for most of us, it does feel important to develop awareness around our own familial and cultural pressures to succeed, be a role model, and our ability to care for others.

If you are an eldest daughter, I encourage you to reflect on whether any of this rings true for you. If so, here are three ways in which you can begin to address the heavy pressure you may be experiencing:

Foster self-compassion: As the eldest daughter, you might feel pressured to be ‘perfect’ or a role model for your siblings. During childhood, this may have been displayed through academic achievement, athletic performance, or by always playing the role of the well-tempered child who followed the rules. Along the way, being self-critical might have become a common reaction to perceived failure. I encourage you to set realistic goals and expectations for yourself, and to practice compassionate thoughts when you might have fallen short. You are human after all. 

Get in touch with your values: When we constantly prioritize the well-being of others over our own, it can be easy to forget what it is that’s best for us. As a result, it can be difficult to accept that sometimes what is best for our well-being is not always in line with what others feel is best for themselves. Are you living a life that aligns with your values? Or are you living a life that aligns with the values of those around you instead? We see Kate Sharma become a lighter and more joyful version of herself when, perhaps for the first time in her life, she prioritizes her own well-being. 

Practice setting healthy boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries with others, and especially our families, is a difficult but necessary task. Protecting yourself and your well-being does not mean you don’t care about your loved ones. Instead, it is an act of self-love that allows you to be the best version of yourself not just for selfish purposes, but for them as well. You will be a better daughter, sister, friend, and partner when you are doing well mentally. 

Lastly, as Lisette Schuitemaker and Wies Enthoven state in their book The Eldest Daughter Effect, “Yes, we are bossy at times, we tend to take things overly serious, we work too hard or doubt our own abilities too much, but we are also pillars of strength, faithful friends, and hands-on-helpers, enterprising organizers, and caring colleagues, bosses, daughters, and partners”. Lean into the traits you appreciate having developed as a result of being an eldest daughter; being caring, a leader, reliable. And let’s shed the traits that no longer serve us.