Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Death Anniversaries can feel daunting in the lead-up, especially for year one. What can come up is a renewed or more acute sense of grief than we feel in our day-today. We may also feel a sense of disbelief at how much time has passed since we last saw our person. Additionally, because there is no guidebook we receive in grief, we might feel confused about how to acknowledge the day. 

In the month or so leading up, it can be helpful to journal about what you are anticipating, share these concerns with trusted support people in your life, or both. This may guide you to consider what supports you would like to have in place while acknowledging that you likely cannot fully predict what will come up for you.

Visiting

One common idea for honoring a loved one on their death anniversary is going to their burial place or the site where their ashes were scattered. If neither of those options is possible or feels right, this could be expanded to visiting any location or type of setting that makes you feel close to them.

Embracing their favorites (or yours)

Another way to connect to them could be engaging with their favorite things - listening to songs or watching the movies or eating the foods they loved. Treating yourself by leaning into some of your favorite things may also feel helpful on this difficult day because a little bit of pleasurable distraction is more than okay too.

Carrying out an act of remembrance

You may want to treat the day relatively normally by going about your usual activities. If you feel some desire to incorporate even a brief moment of remembrance, this could be done in a simple action. One popular idea is honoring your person and putting some positive energy out into the world by performing a random act of kindness, no matter how “small”. 

Tending to your physical body

The body remembers and can often feel present to the death anniversary season you are entering before you are consciously aware of it. Over the years, as you experience more anniversaries, you can become attuned to the signals your physical body is receiving from  your environment. This is as good a day as any other to notice what you are feeling in your body and to do something like receive a massage, take a bath, or engage in gentle movement. 

Creating an altar

Altar building helps us to open a different avenue for exploration of our feelings while allowing us to pour our energy into a fulfilling activity that creates remembrance. Find a space in your home, even a small one, where you can place a photo of them or an object that symbolizes them to you, along with candles, and any other decorations or meaningful objects for you.

Writing a letter to them

You may feel that you have much to say to your person on this date in particular, or perhaps in the month(s) leading up to it. Writing privately to them, sharing anything you’d like to share, ask questions, and expressing emotions to them can be deeply cathartic whether or not your spiritual beliefs indicate that they can receive this from you. You can save the letter, place it on your altar, or carefully burn it after.

Grounding and reflecting

You may gravitate toward photos and videos of your person. Spending time reflecting on those memories can feel connecting and can also bring up much emotion. Engaging in mindful breathing, a body scan, or some other meditative practice beforehand to the ground can help you receive this.

Gathering and sharing

Meeting with loved ones in person or virtually and sharing memories is often one of the most simple, yet fulfilling practices. Before the date, you may want to reach out to family or friends and share that you would like to set aside some time to connect with them. Others may be yearning to do the same with you! If this option does not feel feasible or right for you on that particular anniversary, you know that you have many solo practices to return to.

There is no right or wrong way to approach a death anniversary and year to year, you may experience different desires and needs around that date. While it is the anniversary of their death, you are the one here to live it, so consider the day yours as well and lean into what feels right..