Tyler Mafi, MHC-LP

The holiday season is upon us, and with it comes joy and challenge. Whether you are spending the holidays with family and friends, going on vacation, or taking off from work, this time of year can be rife with interpersonal conflict and challenges. If you have left previous holiday gatherings feeling exhausted or drained, setting boundaries can help you feel more prepared to show up - and actually might allow you to enjoy yourself! Here are some tips to effectively communicate and set boundaries for yourself during the holiday season. 

Identify your boundaries before you show up. 
Before you decide on your holiday plans, spend some time thinking about what boundaries you would like to set. If your family often asks invasive questions about your dating life, you want to reflect on what information you are willing to share. Giving yourself time and space to think about what feels best for you before you show up allows you to make decisions from a more grounded place. 

Stay mindful. 
It can be very easy to feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and somatic experiences when you are in a situation where your boundaries might be crossed. If you struggle to set boundaries, I recommend implementing a practice for checking in with yourself while you’re out for the holidays. Some examples of mindful check-in practices include setting a recurring alarm on your phone to remind yourself to do a brief body scan, creating Google calendar reminders to mindfully breathe, or going for a short walk in the middle of an event to provide some mindful alone time. 

Clearly communicate the boundary.
When communicating a boundary, aim to be as clear and specific as possible. Typically, boundaries identify a need or an emotion (e.g. “I am not comfortable discussing this topic right now”) and clarify your limits (e.g. “I will have to leave this conversation if you aren’t able to respect my request”). 

Commit to the boundary and prepare for challenging reactions.
Ultimately, boundaries will be tested, and therefore need to be reinforced. When we set a boundary, there are a variety of reactions the other person may have. They may hear you out and respect your boundary right away. However, they also might become defensive, engage in guilting behaviors, or withdraw. Remember - you are not responsible for their emotions or their response. It is their responsibility to process their feelings while respecting your boundaries. Be prepared to back yourself up, and actually follow through with your stated boundaries. 

Once you set a boundary, you might experience a mix of feelings. Pride, joy, discomfort, guilt, and self-doubt may all arise, and that’s okay! At the end of the day, our boundaries reflect our respect for ourselves, self-worth, and authentic values. By setting boundaries, you are ultimately setting yourself up for a more rewarding and fulfilling holiday season.