Advanced Clinical Fellow Julia Papale

Oh, comparison – the thief of joy as well as the default setting so many of us who grew up in the age of social media possess. Through social media, but also more generally speaking a society that so values perfection, it is easy to measure ourselves against our culture’s pervasive standards of beauty and success.

However, we often compare ourselves to a false standard. We see others for the parts of themselves they choose to showcase, and we don’t see everything underneath – the not-so-perfect realities of being human. As we continue to compare our insides to other people’s outsides, our unrealistic expectations skyrocket until we only see the most negative version of ourselves. So long as we equate our lives to the fantasies of what we believe other people’ look like, we will always fall short.

Yes, comparison and self-pity can sometimes be easier than taking responsibility. I believe this lends to what Tara Brach calls the “if only mind” – “if only I had that then this would be better.” This looks like living in a state of constant wanting and seeking for something more with the hopes that once we have it, all our problems will be solved. But let me tell you, this is self-deception because contentment comes from within and is based on perspective.

So how do we shift this? Stop comparing, and instead reflect on how you can embrace the unique qualities of yourself that make you, you, celebrate the strengths that are yours and yours alone and call forth gratitude for a life that is entirely yours to cultivate.

In case that seems too simple for the complicated mind, here is one more practice that you might implement. Imagine yourself and the person that you are becoming as a rose garden. As you continue to work on yourself and evolve, you will water this garden as the many flowers within it bloom to their fullest potential. If there is one person to whom you simply cannot stop comparing yourself, consider what it is about them or their way of life that you want to emulate. Add it to your rose garden and strive to water it as your own. This, in my opinion, is the best way to avoid falling into the oh-so-easy trap of ‘compare and despair.’