Julia Papale, Advanced Clinical Fellow

As a therapist, I keep my eyes and ears open for what I like to call little golden nuggets of wisdom that I excitedly store away for future reflection. Something I heard recently is the idea that shame cannot live in the light.

Shame is a deep-cut emotional state that often develops early and hardens over time, growing into a gargantuan burden or shadow that we keep pushed down as far below the surface as possible. It’s something we don’t want to touch because of its complex nature and its inherently painful quality, and we can’t bear to expose it for fear of highlighting our deepest insecurities. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is when we feel regret because we’ve done something wrong. Shame is rooted in the belief that we are inherently ‘bad,’ based on some message we’ve received over the course of our development that has come to influence how we perceive ourselves. Some of these pathogenic messages might include: “I am unlovable,” “I am inadequate,” and “If others really saw me as I am they would see that I am worthless.” We might feel shame around a body part, an aspect of ourselves that we have denied, or the entirety of our person that we have come to believe simply isn’t good enough (Rollo, 2019).

Usually, shame develops subconsciously as a protective mechanism to guard us against getting hurt again after we’ve experienced some sort of rejection, trauma, social criticism, or stigma (Rollo, 2019). As young children explore the sense of self through attachment with caregivers, shame develops when the child is unable to show up fully in their emotional experience, having to tamper with some part of their authentic self because their emotional needs are not being met. (Rollo, 2019). The same dynamics can play out in adulthood relationships, as well.

Where there is a shame there is often an expert inner critic that emboldens the self-criticism and contempt associated with the emotion, triggering one of the following four typical responses: “withdrawal, avoidance, attacking others, or attacking self” (Rollo, 2019, p. 5). The inner critic is also usually the voice that searches eagerly for a defense against the shame, the voice that tells us – isolate, isolate, nobody wants to see this part of you. As a result, we miss out on the real, genuine connection that creates the sense of belonging vital for well-being. Cut off from others, we might begin to seek outside ourselves for anything that can replace the inner void that ultimately yearns for connection.

Understanding that “shame thrives in secrecy” (Rollo, 2019, p. 4), we can slowly extinguish the painful fire of shame through connection, by uncovering the long-hidden parts of ourselves and sharing them vulnerably with trusted others. A great place to begin exploring this sense of raw vulnerability is in therapy. First, we learn to bridge connection back to ourselves, and then with trusted others, whether it be in group therapy or even with loved ones, as we become more and more comfortable with the idea of our whole selves. This is not an easy or fast process, but with awareness about shame and the role it plays, as well as a little bit of courage and self-compassion, we can put one step forward on the journey of healing and self-discovery.

References:
Rollo, Nikki. (2019). I’m hiding, please see me: Unmasking shame. Eating Disorders Resource Catalogue. https://www.edcatalogue.com/im-hiding-please-see-unmasking-shame/