Tyler Mafi, MHC-LP

There’s a lot that goes into choosing a name. This is especially true for trans and gender non-conforming (TGNC) folks who have already been “given” one from birth - often a name that can feel unaligned with their gender identity or their authentic self. If you’re thinking about changing your name, you might be wondering how to get started. As I’ve guided others through this process - and been through it myself - I’ve found these reflective questions and practices can help guide you through the process of “shopping” and “trying on” different names, to ultimately find something that feels like a good fit. 

The first questions that often come up for folks in this process are “Should I change my name?” and “Do I even want to change it?” I highly suggest taking some time to reflect on this - whether that’s journaling about it, exploring this with a therapist, or talking with a trusted loved one. Remember: changing your name is never mandatory. For some folks, your given name might feel really connected to who you are! Even if your name isn’t “typically” aligned with your gender identity, it IS aligned if it feels right for you!

If your reflections reveal that your given name doesn’t feel aligned for you, the next step is to explore what names are out there. Some folks start by searching for baby names or character names that feel aligned with their gender identity. Some folks think about the names of their favorite characters from books, movies, or TV shows. For some, it starts by thinking about the names of special people in your life or asking your parents what other names they considered for you. After you find some names, start writing out a list of the names that you feel most drawn to. When I went through this process, I started by compiling some names that I’ve always felt drawn to, including names of characters, people in my life, and my favorite musicians. 

Now that you have some options, the next step is to “try them on”! There are many ways you can do this. You can use the name at Starbucks and explore what it’s like to hear the barista call out your name. You can stand in front of a mirror and say the name while looking at yourself to see how it feels. Try signing your full name as a signature, or writing it out on a social media profile. It can be especially helpful to ask trusted loved ones in your life to use the name around you. Whatever steps you take to “try the name on”, keep in mind what safety measures you want to put in place around that. For example, you might not feel comfortable putting it on your social media if there are certain people you don’t want to see it. You might ask trusted friends to use the name in certain contexts, but not in others. Make sure to think about what feels right for you, and communicate that with those around you!

Something important to remember: you can always try multiple names out at once! Go to different coffee shops and use a different name each time. Ask a friend to try out one name with you for a week, and then write out another name option on your mirror at home. You don’t have to stick to the first name that you choose! If you are sharing this with other people in your personal life, remind them that you haven’t decided on a name yet, but you’re trying different ones out to see what fits. 

It’s not always easy to “just know” what name feels right for you. Throughout this process, I encourage you to reflect deeply on how you’re feeling. It can be helpful to explore both the exciting parts of a new name and the potential discomfort or uncertainty that comes with this change. For example, when I changed my name publicly it felt strange at first! While I felt very excited, it took some time to adjust to hearing everyone use Tyler - a name that was so intimate and personal to me for so long. Individual therapy can be a useful way to start exploring the emotional experiences you’re having as you go on this journey with your name. 

Finally, remember that for many folks, this process of “name shopping” takes time, deep reflection, and patience. Ultimately, know that you never have to reach the end of this journey. Names are not permanent fixtures, and they can be changed - both legally and socially. It’s not uncommon for people of all gender identities to choose a name or nickname for themself during one period of their life, and start going by a different name later on. Give yourself permission to be flexible and to change your mind.