Valeria West, MHC-LP

You’ve just had an argument with your partner. Regardless of what the conflict was about, or whether it was resolved or not, it’s not uncommon to be left with some feelings of tension and disconnection. Even arguments that were resolved successfully can leave us feeling further away from our partners and unsure of what to do with the remaining emotions. Perhaps you said you forgave each other, but there is still some awkwardness or avoidance of one another. This is especially true for arguments that escalated and left you feeling misunderstood by your partner. 

When working with couples, I encourage them to develop a post-conflict ritual to help address these leftover feelings. This involves intentionally setting some time aside to process how the conflict went. For instance, think of the value that an athlete might get from watching tapes of their performance and evaluating it - where did I make good choices and where could I have acted differently? A post-conflict ritual serves the same purpose (except there is probably no tape to watch). It is important to note that this is not an opportunity to jump back into the argument and focus on the context or “facts”, but instead to talk about what the experience of the conflict was like for each partner. Ultimately, this is an opportunity to better understand each other and to learn from our mistakes. 

Below is the step-by-step process on how to create your own post-conflict ritual, along with important considerations to keep in mind to increase the chances of the ritual being successful:

In order for the ritual to work, all parties must come into the conversation feeling calm and willing to talk. It is not recommended to engage in the ritual directly after an argument or if you are still feeling escalated. Communicate how much time you need to your partner so that they know what to expect. For example: “I want to talk about what happened, but my chest is still feeling a bit tight and I think that means I need more time to cool off. Can we talk about this in 30 minutes?”. Once you are ready to talk, start with the following and take turns with each step:

Step One: Engage in loving and comfortable physical touch. 
This step is important. Sometimes our words fail us, but if we can communicate love and safety to our partner through physical touch then we increase our ability to open up and hear each other out. In fact, engaging in touch together can activate our parasympathetic nervous system which can help us feel more calm and safe. This could look like a strong hug coupled with deep breaths, or even just holding hands. Safe and consensual touch after a conflict can often communicate “this is hard, but we’re okay, and I’m here for you”. If you feel unable to engage in touch with your partner at the beginning of the ritual, then I encourage you to consider finishing the ritual with this step instead. 

Step Two: Share how you felt during the conflict.
This is your opportunity to share what the experience was like for you. Remember, we are not jumping back into the content of the argument. We are only focusing on what it felt like for you and your partner. For example, instead of saying “ I felt defensive because you said I never help around the house, which is not true. I do help and you don’t give me credit for that” you could try “I felt criticized when you started the conversation, which led me to feel defensive and unable to hear you out”. 

Validate your partner’s experience and feelings. Validating doesn’t have to mean that you agree, but instead that you understand where they are coming from. Avoiding defensiveness is important during this step, as the goal is to understand each other and not to engage in a back-and-forth conversation explaining your point.

Step Three: Take responsibility
During step three, each partner needs to take responsibility for their contribution to the argument. What role did you play in the conversation? The following questions can be helpful to consider during this step:

• What set you up to react that way? (ex: work stress making you more irritable, difficulty sharing what you need from your partner, etc). 

• Is there anything you specifically regret saying or doing? (ex: regretting calling your partner selfish, regretting raising your voice). 

• What do you want to apologize for?

If you cannot accept your partner’s apology during this step, share what you might need from them in order to move forward. 

Step Four: Constructive plan for future conflict  
What do you want to be different next time? Share one thing you want your partner to do to have a successful discussion next time. Ask for what you want them to do instead of what you want them to stop doing. Expressing a positive need vs. a negative one decreases the chances that your partner will react defensively. I encourage you to do this step calmly and without criticism. Lastly, share one thing you will do differently next time to increase the chances for the discussion to go well.  

That’s your post-conflict ritual! This is an intentional attempt at breaking patterns that don’t serve your relationship and hopefully introducing ones that do. A commitment to making “reviewing the tape together” a ritual in your relationship can ultimately lead to conflict that feels healthier, and more productive, and conflict that we can bounce back from quicker. 

And remember, no matter how long you have been together it is never too late to introduce new tools to your toolbox! Good luck incorporating your new ritual!