Ronni Umles, MHC

Lately I’ve been thinking about needs versus desires and how they change throughout different phases of our lives. Maslow’s hierarchy comes in handy here. His pyramid format begins with the primitive/physiological needs for food, water, sleep, and homeostasis. Then our internal/external needs for safety and security, which ties in financial stability, shelter, health and wellness. We then move up the pyramid into societal ideologies attached to love/belonging, self-esteem, and finally self-actualization. A seemingly solid foundation to work from.

Maslow proposed the needs of all living beings follow the same algorithm. They are however relative within each category. For example, we all need sleep, yet the number of hours of sleep one person needs related to another may differ. In my opinion, our needs are deeply connected from our need for food and water to our need to feel love, confidence, and assurance. Our desires on the other hand reflect what’s missing. Let’s consider the desire to take a trip. Think about the last time you took a vacation and why. Was it for the desire to explore a new land, see a new culture, discover new perspectives, or was it to get away, to escape, to free yourself from a negative feeling? There is an undeniable difference in these reflections that reveal our frame of mind. The former is intentional with a desire to expand awareness whereas the latter feels escapist with a desire to avoid and disappear.  

By acknowledging our desires in relation to whether our needs have been met, a natural inclination to become intentional arises. The challenge behind these concepts that I see many individuals struggle to confront are resistance towards taking responsibility for their own perspective and making necessary lifestyle changes.

Here are four invitations to help you begin:

1.  Curiosity – Invite curiosity to your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.

2.  Pay attention – Pause. Sit with and take notice of how these thoughts, behaviors, and actions make you feel. The discomfort of a feeling is necessary to build resilience.

3.  Self-inquiry – Ask the tough questions. How does this thought make me feel? How does my behavior contribute to my feelings? How do my actions reflect my behavior?

4.  Humility – You are not alone. To invite humility is not to self-deprecate or critique, it is to inspire compassion, empathy, and connection to the idea that your struggle is ultimately a struggle felt by all others.

I’ll leave you with this, it is natural to fear acceptance of the role we play in our own lives. I, myself, have confronted my fear on several occasions of which many got the best of me. Nevertheless, in continuing to desire a deeper understanding of my needs, by being curious, by pausing rather than avoiding, by asking questions, and keeping in perspective that those who I meet along my path have the same fear, I am better able to feel safe, comforted, and permission to lean into the darkness to make room for the light.

I wish you well in your practice.