Birch Cooper, MHC

Self-esteem is the way individuals think and feel about themselves and their internal sense of being worthy of love and belonging. The sense of one's own value as a person, or self-worth is reflected in the way people view themselves. For individuals with higher self-esteem, self-worth creates the foundation for feelings of worthiness.

Low self-esteem can be an indication that an individual has not fully recognized their self-worth, while self-esteem that fluctuates drastically can be a sign that the individual is basing their self-worth exclusively on external factors. Neither of the above examples are unusual or pathological, instead both are normal. 

Development as well as what a society values and deems normal can all influence what factors become viewed as significant in establishing one’s self-referenced value. Our earliest years prime us to look externally; with milestones being supported through validation and praise. Many learn to feel valued when they receive attention, approval and praise and to feel less so when they do not. Receiving them along with acceptance suggest what should be valued as do social norms and constructs. During late childhood, adolescence and even in adulthood quite a few people develop the belief that achievements and possessions are tangible evidence of their value. 

There is nothing wrong with gaining approval and acceptance! It feels tremendous, particularly when we come by it authentically. However, basing self-esteem or self-worth on it alone, can cause instability in both and can lead to an achievement mindset or people-pleasing behaviors. Achievement is not the enemy either! However, external achievements typically only provide a temporary boost to self esteem. Seeking validation through people-pleasing creates a dependence on others for validation while achievements have little long-lasting impact on one's sense of personal value or worth. 

Unfortunately it is rare, but a few insightful parents teach internal validation and affirmation. I believe it occurs now more frequently than ever. No matter your path if you have lower self-esteem you have the power to add balance to your perspective. For clients who struggle with low self-esteem I suggest a shift. A shift from exclusively looking outward to also looking within. Knowing one's innate value as a human being and supporting this belief through the acknowledgment of intrinsic qualities rather than exclusively what we gain or achieve as a result of them can often be the first step in developing an additionally stable sense of self worth. Since self-worth is the foundation of self-esteem it is also an ideal place to start if you have the desire to increase your self-esteem. I have included a few examples of how to honor your intelligence, celebrate your dedication, and affirm your perseverance below. I would like to note, none of the following external achievements are necessary to recognize your innate value as a human, acknowledge your intrinsic qualities and feel great about yourself. These are simply examples I have observed in my work as a therapist. I look forward to continuing to contribute to this series on self-esteem over the next few months. I welcome any questions in the comments section or through email. 

Honor your intelligence, capability and capacity to learn along with the grades you receive. You will carry these with you beyond school and apply them to other spheres throughout life. 

Celebrate your dedication and hard working nature as much if not more than the title, position or income it provides. The innate qualities are with you regardless of the job or task. 

Recognize your perseverance and determination to provide for your family along with any feelings of pride or appreciation of the size of your home, the amount of your savings or the sum total of your investments.