Sienna Chu, LMHC

Each of us has an Inner Child- a younger version of ourselves who holds our earlier experiences, thoughts, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. This part of us is a representation of our journey through early developmental stages, where we were cared for until we learned how to care for ourselves and where we first learned how to be in relationship with others. Depending on who cared for you and how, your Inner Child may have varying degrees of unmet needs, gaps in relational bonding, or a lack of trust in oneself and others. When we don’t do the healing work to better understand and meet these needs, our Inner Child can unconsciously sabotage our lives and relationships. 

Maybe you can relate to some of these examples…

You’re overwhelmed at work and feel that everybody wants everything from you. Frustrated, you feel your only choice is to hold it on your own. By the time someone does offer to help, or sees that you’re struggling, you refuse the help. Even though part of you wants to take the help you’ve been hoping for, the bigger part of you in that moment digs your heels in and thinks, “too little too late.” 

While waiting for a friend to meet you out for dinner, they send a text saying they’re running late. At first, it doesn't feel like a big deal and you can empathize with running behind yourself. But as the minutes pass you begin to feel neglected and not prioritized, mixed with growing embarrassment as you sit by yourself. A part of you knows it isn’t personal and this friend has a reputation for being late, but a bigger part of you is feeling that they don’t actually care about you (at least enough to show up on time) and as you wait you wonder, “then why am I even here?” 

Your partner expresses their frustration with something that you’re doing or not doing- it can be something small like how you put the dishes away they’ve dried. Even though they present it in a loving way and in the form of a request, you can’t help but feel deeply criticized. A part of you knows that your partner isn't trying to attack or nitpick, but a bigger part of you feels judged, exhausted and thinks “I’ll never be good enough” and you shut down.

Many of us can relate to the idea that our early childhood experiences influence who we are today, but struggle to see what specific wounds our Inner Child may be holding onto-- especially for those who grew up with “great” parents-- and how it may be affecting our current relationships and life. The more we can shift away from good vs. bad narratives and go deeper into the nuances of what it was like to grow up in our family during that specific time with that specific environment, we can begin to see what was available and what may have been missing. A clue into this may be tracking what triggers send us into old defensive strategies, like the examples above. When our reaction is bigger than what the situation calls for, it’s usually an indicator that it’s hitting on a deeper wound. 

Another way to explore your Inner Child wounds is by better understanding the innate qualities all children are born into this world with. In John Bradshaw’s book Homecoming, he identifies these core childlike traits and describes how these qualities can be supported and nurtured by our caregivers, ignored, or even used against us. Understanding these qualities can be a great place to start in getting to know your little self’s early experiences and identifying what may have been lost or missing. 

Bradshaw describes all children being WONDERFUL, an acronym used to describe each of these natural traits. 

Wonder

Children live in the present moment, aware of their interests and what excites them. When we lose this ability to access our sense wonderment, our vitality is dampened and we can become preoccupied with a sense of responsibility and “shoulds.” 

Optimism 

Children are born trusting and believing in the goodness of others. Instability and unpredictability from our caretakers can wear away at that. Our openness to the infinite possibilities and trust in things working for us, not against us, can also be damaged by early experiences of trauma or loss. 

Naievity

Children are natural explorers and it’s up to our caretakers to set boundaries and limits, and to teach us what is dangerous or safe, while also supporting our independence. This requires patience and understanding, and many course corrections for caregivers. If they aren’t up for the task then we can find ourselves in dangerous situations early on where we are taken advantage of or hurt. It can also swing in the other direction where caretakers become overprotective of their child’s innocence and prevent them from integrating into certain aspects of life that feel threatening to the caretaker. 

Dependence

Children are not able to meet their own needs. They require nurturing and time to learn how to transform the nurturing care from our environment and caretakers, to caring for ourselves. Some caretakers want to stay in the role of being needed and depended on, preventing their child from developing their own capabilities. Others can be neglectful or even ask too much of their children for themselves. Bradshaw states that you may have a wound in this area if you notice yourself isolating and withdrawing from others, or if you tend to cling and become enmeshed. 

Emotions

Before words, all we had were emotions. And for babies, it’s laughing and crying. Depending on how your caretaker responded to these emotions, they can either be used as communication ques, or seen as something needing to be quieted or suppressed. Children who are shamed for weeping may have difficulty accessing and expressing emotion and children who were told their energy or laughter was too much or immature, lose that sense of freedom and playfulness that is actually vital to our survival and happiness. Both of these emotions are ways that we connect to others and when they are suppressed, we may have a hard time being able to meet others in their emotions as well. 

Resilience

Children are masters of getting back up when they’ve been knocked down. When they want or need something, they will fight for it- like the unending wail of a baby wanting milk. Rather than seeing their persistence as stubbornness or misbehaving, Bradshaw urges us to see it as courage. When caretakers dis-couraged their children from being persistent and direct, they learn to create manipulative strategies to meet their needs instead. 

Free Play

Freedom and spontaneity are at the center of free play. When we have a sense of freedom and safety, we spontaneously gravitate towards using our imagination and ability to think outside the box. In free play there is no goal, just play. Overtime, however, children learn to shift their focus away from the process and towards a goal-- to win. This invites a competitive mindset that values achievement over process or effort. 

Uniqueness

Each child has a unique sense of “IAMness,” as Bradshaw states. Just like our fingerprints, each one of us has a distinct identity and existence. We are whole beings. Sometimes, our uniqueness isn’t appreciated when our caretakers hold onto an idea of how and who we should be. Our differences are not evidence for what we lack, but what should be celebrated. It’s important that each of us are seen in our unique wholeness and valued for exactly who we are. 

Love

Children are naturally loving and affectionate and each child deserves to be adored and loved- unconditionally. Too often caretakers struggle to separate their child’s behaviors from who they are. “You’re being bad!” or “you never” or “you always” are statements that confuse children into thinking they are bad or whatever fill-in-the-blank the caretaker says. No matter how a child behaves, they need to know they are loved and that disapproving of a behavior is not a disapproval of who they are. 

As you reflect on what it means to be WONDERFUL, it’s important to not just look back on what you remember from your childhood, but to also see which of those qualities are difficult to embody now, in your current adult self. Can you access a sense of freedom and imagination? Do you allow yourself time to play freely, or is it more about getting things done or achievement?  Do you value your uniqueness, or spend more time strategizing ways to “improve” or change? Are you able to love yourself, fully and wholly, despite an inner critical voice? That is a tall order- for most of us- but it’s one that you and your Inner Child deserve. In the end, we all are in search of the full love and acceptance we yearn for-- the trick is recognizing you already have it. We just have to find it. 

To learn more about next steps and how to work with these wounds, I encourage you to check out Homecoming Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.