Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Although the messaging we tend to ingest this time of year suggests that we are in for warm and fuzzy feelings over the next couple of months, the truth is that for many, the holidays can be emotionally charged in a daunting way. Challenging family dynamics might take center stage, financial stress could increase, and for those contending with loss, the holidays may serve as a stark reminder of who cannot be present.

In our day-to-day lives, we may experience an ebb and flow of grief, some days feeling acutely present to the loss of a loved one, other days being so immersed in our work, our social lives, our hobbies, that the loss feels further away. Grief is often felt more deeply during the holiday season because we tend to gather with friends and family, which ultimately highlights who is and isn’t there. Essentially, the absence of someone who has died or become estranged from us is more heightened than it might be on an average day. 

There are other elements of the holiday season that can trigger a wave of grief. The lead-up to a new year reminds us that we are moving further ahead in time and we may experience anxiety about the increasing distance from the date that a loved one died. This can lead us to worry that others will forget them, or even more frightening, that we ourselves will lose our grasp on the memories we cherish. We might have mixed emotions about the very idea of participating in holiday celebrations – we may dread it, feel unenthused, or even experience guilt about actually wanting to enjoy ourselves because we perceive that we should be grieving a certain way.

One of the most common challenges we bump up against when grieving at the holidays is navigating a variety of reactions to a loss within our family. Even when a loss is shared, each member’s grief experience is going to vary because the relationships themselves were unique. This can manifest itself with some members having a strong desire to speak about the person who died and share memories, while others do not – increasing a sense of loneliness and potentially sparking new conflict.  

There are some intentional things we can do in order to more gently move through this challenging season. We can…

Make space for sadness

It’s important that we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, no matter how complex and layered they might be. This may, however, feel overwhelming and so implementing some grounding techniques such as breath work into the lead-up to the holidays may be helpful. 

Communicate

It’s important to acknowledge that even within a family unit, friend group, or community, each individual is processing their own grief experience following a shared loss. As in any other instance, mind-reading just isn’t possible. This makes communication around emotions, needs, and anticipations essential. Traditions may have to be adjusted this year, which requires some collaboration. 

Consider new ways to bring a lost loved one into celebrations

Something that can help decrease anxiety about our loved one being forgotten is to infuse their memory or spiritual presence into new traditions. This might look like making a dish they typically brought to a gathering, setting aside time to share memories, or doing something in their honor like donating or volunteering to or for an organization they cared about.

Practice self-compassion

All of the challenges and anxieties described above are completely “normal”. It’s okay to enjoy the holidays and it’s also just as okay to limit or shift participation to whatever level feels necessary. Some days might feel joyful and others may just be for getting through. Every so often, it might be helpful to remind ourselves that there is simply no “right” or “wrong” way to do this and that we are doing the best we can.