Ariel Emmanuel, MHC

As a parent or a caregiver, it's important to acknowledge that children, youth, and young adults experience trauma, pain, and uncomfortable emotions just as much as adults do. In the time of social distancing, children and adolescents are battling a range of emotions related to their rapid transitions and grief from the loss of their day to day lives and activities. 

Attachment Theory, developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, and expanded on by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, can help us to understand the significance of holding space for children and adolescents. Often unaddressed emotional needs as children can result in difficulties with relationships, connections, and secure attachments.

As we are spending more time with our children, we can raise awareness of how to support their personal experiences. We can also be mindful of what statements may invalidate their emotional reactions and cause them to feel shame or embarrassment.

So how do we raise awareness of invalidating statements?

Here are some statements to be mindful of:

“Don't be sad. Don't be mad. Don't cry.”

“Be a big girl/boy.”

“It will be OK.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You’re so young, what could you possibly be going through.”

“You won't even remember this when you get older.”

“Those friends won't even be important when you're an adult.”

“Look at all the things you have, you have a great life.”

“Focus on the positives/focus on your schoolwork, everything else isn't important.”

If you find yourself using some of these statements, know that it is common and comes from a good place. Adults respond in this manner to help or cheer their children up. However, it can be an invalidating experience for the receiver instead. It tells them that they have to stop feeling what they're feeling, or that their feelings are not okay. They may feel like showing emotion or being upset isn't right. They learn that they have to repress their pain and emotions to be heard or seen. Children and adolescents will adapt to these messages by suppressing their true feelings to appear happy for the people around them. Whenever they are experiencing difficult emotions they will reach for reassurance in the words of their parents and caregivers. The voice of the caregiver can often become the child’s inner voice. If it is a negative or invalidating statement, it can have a lasting impact on their self-image and self-esteem.

So how can we create environments that are safe for children and adolescents to express themselves and their emotions without feeling shame or embarrassment? 

How to hold space:

Take a moment to actively listen to their experience with empathy, understanding, and patience. Utilize mirroring and active listening techniques to allow children to explore and express their emotions authentically. Offer space for them to feel their emotions deeply and give them reassurance and support. Provide ample time and space to express what's coming up for them and make sure they don't feel rushed "to be okay".

Validating Statements

That sounds hard.

What are you feeling?

I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be.

I'm sorry you're experiencing that.

Tell me more about what happened. 

I can tell that hurt you.

How can I support you?

Modeling Emotional Expression

Modeling emotional expression can also be a vital tool for holding space. Oftentimes parents and caregivers are fearful of expressing their emotions around their children and adolescents. They stifle their emotional responses to appear cheerful or unbothered. Children and adolescents witness the way you deal with your emotions and learn from the behavior. They will often use the same strategies that you model. They absorb and digest your interactions and take in what is and is not acceptable. Being a model for healthy emotional expression allows your children to see that it's not shameful to express yourself. Exemplify how you manage difficult situations healthily and authentically. Demonstrate new ways of coping and illustrate that all emotions are admissible.