Sienna Chu, MHC

In a recent interview with renowned couple’s therapist, Ester Perel, she asks a colleague what some of her key questions are for couples initiating therapy. “What do you know about yourself that makes you difficult to live with?” she responds. 

If you’ve never asked yourself this question, I invite you to consider it now.

If you have asked yourself this question, I also invite you to consider it now. 

In light of COVID-19, relationships are under heightened distress as couples navigate new living conditions. Not only are we spending far more time than we usually do with our partners, we’re also experiencing significantly higher levels of stress and uncertainty. Routines have been hijacked, jobs lost, finances strained, health compromised, and the list goes on. It’s a lot to take in for anyone. Now, add the fact that we don’t have our usual support systems (i.e. friends, family) and coping strategies as easily available to us (i.e. going to the gym, spending time outside, dining out, date nights). Even when we’re not weathering a global pandemic, it can be tough to not direct our difficult feelings onto our partner when we come home at the end of the day. Quarantine can be a perfect set up for heightened bickering, blaming, and overall annoyance with one another. Or, it can be a great opportunity to revisit big questions together, to build new habits, and establish new communication patterns. What will it be for you? 

Here are some guidelines to help approach quarantine with your partner.:

1. Create a routine that includes time apart. Self-care, self-care, self-care. This isn’t just a buzzword, but a lifestyle choice. If you don’t have a list of things to do on your own that promote relaxation or enjoyment, try to make one now. It’s important we learn how to care for ourselves too, not just rely on our partners to cheer us up or make us feel safe. It’s a balance of leaning on our partners for support and knowing how to ground ourselves. 

2. Keep in touch with your community. We all need to be reminded of who we are-- which is often found in the company we keep. We are all more than just a partner. We are friends, professionals, creatives, daughters/sons, parents, sisters/brothers. We were meant to be part of a community, and connecting to our community takes more work than usual nowadays. If you’re feeling burnt out from facetime calls and virtual happy hours, tap into more creative ways to cultivate connection. Handwrite a letter, make your own postcard, create a personalized playlist, collaborate on a creative project. 

3. Check in more frequently about what’s happening. We are all going through some type of grieving- whether it’s for the loss of your sense of normalcy and routine, the loss of a job or identity, or loss of a loved one. It’s important to have time where you can actually dive into the intense fears and feelings we spend a lot of time avoiding. For couples where there may be one person who is more comfortable turning to the other, this is a great opportunity to balance this out. 

4. Carve out intentional time together. I mean this on multiple layers. This includes gathering together at designated times of day like dinner or breakfast, as well as planning times in the week specifically for building the relationship like a date night. Just because we are physically present with our partners, doesn’t mean we’re emotionally and intellectually connected. Quality over quantity. 

5. Establish time together where COVID is off limits. As much as we all need real talk on how we’re feeling and what’s hard for us, we also need to prevent from being flooded by those feelings by balancing out our engagement in other things. Team up and collaborate on a new project, or become students together and learn something new. 

6. Help promote each other’s growth. As we are all confronted with the ways we cope with difficulty, this can be a great time to see areas that may need more development. Have you found yourself mindlessly scrolling on social media? Pouring an extra glass of wine? Numbing out on hours of netflix? Many of these things may very well feel like self care, but they can easily cross over into the line of self-indulgent. Once these goals are established, discuss how you want to check in about it as a couple. Be careful this doesn’t become an area to criticize or nag our partners. For example, my partner and I both want to work on how often we are on our devices. Because we are using our phones more often to be in touch with friends and family, it can be hard to maintain boundaries around our use and being intentional with screen time.  Rather than saying, “hey! you’re on your phone again!” my partner asked me instead to approach him with a question “do you want to be on your phone right now?” Note: tone is everything. This gives my partner an opportunity to make his own choice about his phone use, rather than me policing.

6. Utilize “time out”s. Sometimes it’s just one of those days where you’re not on the same wavelength. Not all bad moods need a conversation or resolution. Sometimes we simply need distance! Try and see what your tendencies/behaviors are that indicate it may be one of those days and be proactive about communicating that with your partner. If tensions rise, call a “time out” and physically give each other space to simply check in and refresh.

7. Play. A recent statistic stated some sex toy companies have increased sales up to 225% since the start of CV-19. Clearly, these couples are onto something. We are having to find new ways to be creative in so many aspects of our lives, the bedroom should be no different. 

8. “He who laughs, lasts!” In times like this, when we feel weighed down with the seriousness of our current situation, it can feel self-indulgent or insensitive to find joy in the day-to-day moments. Many are struggling with feelings of “survivor's guilt” as they see other’s who’s hardship surpass ours. Rather than living out our guilt, try and channel gratitude and see how you can make an impact. Sometimes the only impact you have control over is the presence you bring to those around you. 

I hope you’re able to take these suggestions and use them as a starting place to propel your partnership into a stronger, more intimate place. The same way I’ve asked all my clients to reflect on what they hope to take from this experience on an individual level, I open the question up to all couples, “what do you, as a couple, hope to gain from this experience?” After all, what a gift it is to not be alone right now.