Christie Kim, MHC

It happens to the best of us. We get a text with a twinge of ambiguity. We wonder what it means...

Did I say the wrong thing? Are they mad at me?

We start to tell ourselves a story...

They must still be mad about last night…. They’re going to leave….

Humans are programmed to create narratives, to link events and find meaning in what happens to us. It’s what makes us unique. Our storytelling nature has given us everything from cave paintings and rom-coms to our fondest anecdotes and memories. Yet our internal narratives can also lead us straight into miscommunications and years-long arguments with those we love. When it comes to relationships, having a story in our heads can create expectations and, of course, disappointment.

When faced with uncertainty, particularly within relationships, we make interpretations and assumptions to fill in the gaps. Most often our attachment style will influence how we interpret something. Your attachment style is how you tend to relate to those with whom you share a close emotional bond. For example, a securely attached person might read an ambiguous text and think nothing of it, whereas an insecurely attached person may read the same text and lose the rest of the afternoon worrying if their partner is about to leave them. The insecure attachment style tends toward an internal narrative guided by the fear of being alone or abandoned, and is more likely to interpret neutral messages as signals that their fear is coming true.

This happens on greater scales too. Couples can often find themselves trapped in negative cycles driven by their own stories. For example, if Sam comes home from work, goes straight to the bedroom and closes the door, their partner Taylor may start imagining a story, that Sam is mad or doesn’t care about them. Taylor might even spin a tale further into the future, thinking Sam will always put work first, won’t be present for their future kids, or wants to break up. Taylor may confront Sam with this story top of mind, when the story in Sam’s mind is simply, I had a long day at work and I need some time to myself to decompress.

Here’s an important realization about our internal narratives: we’re almost always wrong. As much as some of us would like, we can’t read minds. As unique and evolved as our storytelling may be, we are often so very wrong in our assumptions about others. (Not sure what this looks like? Here's an example and a laugh.)

Another important realization: we send confusing, distorted signals too! For example, we may be wishing for comfort from our partner at the end of a tough day, but instead we make a complaint about how they cleaned the kitchen wrong. Our partners may also be responding to our ambiguous signals and filling in the blanks with their own internal narratives.

What to do with all of this? Try starting here:

Get to know your story. Do most of your internal narratives end with someone disliking you or leaving? Do you tend to daydream about the most perfect scenarios and suffer disappointment when they don’t happen? Try to notice what kinds of stories you tell yourself. It may help to think of the stories you clung to as a child, or to figure out your attachment style.

Raise a flag. Identifying the themes of your story can help you better recognize when you’re deep in your internal narrative. You may try journaling to see what words pop out, or talk it out with a close friend or therapist. When you find yourself listening to the story, raise up an internal flag. This may allow you the chance to decide whether you want to keep listening to it.

The story I’m telling myself is... It may be your internal narrative but it doesn’t have to stay inside. If something is concerning you, consider starting the conversation with “The story I’m telling myself is…” For example, The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care to say hi to me when you get home from work. This allows both you and your loved one to address your internal message while also acknowledging that it may not be true for them.

Invite a co-author. You don’t have to be alone in your story; ask for your partner’s input. To extend on the previous example, The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care to say hi to me when you get home from work. Is that true? What was happening for you? Then they can help revise your story with something like, I was glad to see you, but I got yelled at all day and needed some space for myself. Inviting a co-author into your internal narrative may help you discern what is and isn’t worth your stress, and help you avoid issues of miscommunication.