Christie Kim, MHC

For many of us, the holiday season can bring as much joy as it does nervousness about seeing loved ones or maintaining boundaries. We may anticipate offensive comments from relatives or the dreaded annual argument with a sibling. What triggers our nerves or pain is different for each person, but there are common threads in what we experience when something gets kicked up. 

When we feel something, our bodies and brains feel something too. When triggered or anticipating an argument with a loved one, our bodies are the first to send out a distress signal. Feeling your heart racing or your throat closing up are physiological and neurological responses that signal something is off, that we need to return to a sense of balance or safety. Knowing what is happening in our bodies can provide helpful context when you’re in the moment. In this article, I’ll explore a few key reactions happening in your body during immediate stress.

Fight or Flight: To Lash Out or Shut Down?

You probably already have some idea of what happens when you feel stressed -- some people “lash out,” others “shut down,” some might not realize their reaction until hours have passed. Any and all of these reactions are normal. An argument with a loved one may feel like a threat to your social connection or safety. In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. van der Kolk illustrates how the body will start to signal distress through a different tone of voice, tense facial expression. Yet if conflict continues to rise our bodies go into crisis mode and activate its fight or flight (or freeze) protocol. 

Your body sends natural signals to communicate that something feels unsafe. Do you ever feel numbness or dizziness when extremely stressed? It’s likely because your blood stream, filled with adrenaline, is being directed away from your brain and fingers and toward your heart and thighs, the parts of your body that need the oxygen in order to fight or flee. Additional signs include faster breaths to take in more oxygen, sweating which regulates the body’s temperature, and shaking or aches in your muscles as they prepare for action.

All of these are natural signals from your body communicating that something feels unsafe and are designed to protect you from danger. If you’re not sure what signals your body is sending you, try to check in and notice the next time you feel stressed.

Frontal Lobe on Vacation

Your brain is reacting, too. When you are stressed or triggered, Dr. van der Kolk informs that the frontal lobe, the part of your brain that helps you put your feelings into words, actually goes offline. This helps explain why you may blank out or be at a loss for words when tensions are rising. It's okay, in these moments, your brain is prioritizing the parts that will help you regain a sense of safety. Allow your brain to do what it does best. You can always find your words and revisit a difficulty conversation after some time has passed, your body calms, and your frontal lobe comes back online.

Name It to Tame It

At this point you may be wondering, Great, now what am I supposed to do about all of this? It may be helpful to understand what’s happening in your body when you’re stressed or in crisis mode, but you may still be stressed. 

First, acknowledge that all of it is happening. Take a moment to notice and acknowledge that you’re feeling something, which means that your body probably is, too, and things are happening in your brain, your heart, your muscles and in blood stream. Name what you can. In the words of psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, name it to tame it. Trying saying to yourself, My heart’s racing, I’m overwhelmed, or even simply, Something’s happening. Putting language to a sensation, or “affect labeling,” can help regulate your emotions and is linked to decreased activity in your amygdala, the part of your brain that handles emotions (including anger, fear) and memory.

Putting language to your sensation can also help you reach out and seek support. Since the part of your brain that will find the words for your feelings may have taken a short vacation, it can be helpful to reach out to someone to help you regain your calm and make sense of it all. When you’re stressed or upset, it is actually calming to the nervous system to have someone else see and name your experience. A few ways to ask for what you need:

• “I’m not sure how I feel, but I feel tension and I might need a second to breathe.”

• “I’m blanking out. Can we talk about this when I feel more calm?”

• “I’m feeling shaky and nervous. Can you give me a hug?”

• “I’m feeling really angry, I need you to be angry with me.”

In the face of stress or danger, your body is going through a lot. Try to show compassion to yourself and however your body works to protect you.